Friday, January 6, 2012

Taking it off... and Keeping it off

{via}

This is a personal rant, and I don't expect most of you to read the entire thing, but I need to get it off my chest, and hopefully provide some kind of inner catharsis. I need motivation and inspiration. Yes, I've lost 75 pounds as I shared here in my 12 Before 2012 goal list. But, since the holidays, and re-adjusting to living at home with my parents, I've lost my vigour for healthy eating and exercising. I came home for the first time in 2 months, and my parents called me skinny. I am by no means skinny, and I never thought in my life that someone would use that adjective to describe me. I can feel my older sister sizing me up with critical eyes. At one point, even accusing me of being anorexic. I am not anorexic. I don't want to be skin and bone, it's not who I want to be, though it's perfectly fine if that is what someone wants to be. I think curves on a woman are the sexiest thing in the world, and I mourn the loss of my boobs from this weight transformation. I just want to be a healthy weight for my height, and I want to be able to maintain the weight I have lost. 

 The surrealism of this journey continued when I went to church, and one lady whom I consider a grandparent looked at me like a stranger. I walked in and said hello, and she politely said hello back. She did not know who I was AT ALL. This has bothered me more than I care to admit in person to anyone. Am I that different looking that my friends and family no longer recognize me? I know that what I'm doing is for me, and me alone, but I always feel like the centre of attention- like I'm some kind of circus attraction. People keep asking me how I've lost the weight, and honestly, there isn't any secret formula. Just good old fashioned exercise and healthy eating choices. Honestly, I just started making small choices, and kept at it. I can't even pinpoint a day where I "started" losing weight, I just know that I never want to find the weight again. This is who I'm meant to be, whether my family and friends like it or not. There have been numerous family arguments about food, about eating, about exercise, about clothes, about lifestyle choices. I don't know how to gracefully explain to my family that I don't want to eat as much as they do, nor do I know how to avoid looking at them critically when they eat double the portion size they should be. I know it's their choice, but it's hard to limit myself when I'm surrounded by people making bad choices. 

After the holidays, I know that I've gained 5 pounds. In fact, I'm sure I've gained a few more than that. I need it to come off. But I know that it won't if I don't exercise, and I keep eating crappy food. I went to the grocery store today and purchased the foods I normally eat to stay healthy. I know that I can eat this good food starting right now. My parents find it so easy to bake a cake, or have chips, and I find myself indulging with them. It's much easier to lose weight and maintain my eating/exercising routine when I'm alone. I don't want to alienate myself from anyone, but sometimes I feel like the only way I can be successful in losing my holiday weight is if I do it on my own, away from the influence of others. Obviously this is impossible, but it would make it a lot easier. And exercising is tough; I feel like it's harder to do with my family watching, or walking by while I'm doing pilates. I need to adjust my exercise to coincide peacefully with my new living arrangements.

In short, I guess this rant is just about the difficulties of my lifestyle change parallel to my new lifestyle choices. It was easier to live here when I was heavier because I did everything they did. It's even been said that our household was "happier" when we didn't worry about food choices or exercise. But you know what? I am happy. I'm happy that I'm the smallest I've ever been. I'm happy that I can shop wherever I want to get clothes. I'm happy that boys look at me now in more than a platonic way. I'm happy that for once, I'm not the fat friend. I feel fantastic, I'm happy. I'm on my way to getting healthy. I know that this is the path that God had planned for me. This is who I'm supposed to be. I guess it's just going to take some getting used to while I live at home. It's going to be hard, but not impossible. And it starts right now. 

7 comments:

  1. I think you did something amazing that you wanted for yourself by losing that weight girl. You have always been and will always be absolutely beautiful to anyone who knows you so keep doing whatever it takes to reach your personal goals, and realize that you are allowed to put yourself first. I know you have the ability to do anything you put your mind to!

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  2. To anonymous,

    Thank you for your very kind words of encouragement. Sometimes with a weight loss journey, it's difficult to fully appreciate the fact that it is something completely for you... no one else. And that can feel a little selfish, especially when you have to say, "No, I'm not eating that, but thanks." I'm slowly coming to realize that what I do affects who I am... others have to make their own choices! Thank you again for reading this, and supporting me! xo

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  3. My dearest Tiffany,

    You're one of my best friends, and honestly one of the most beautiful girls I know. I know I read this late, but I'm sure glad I did.

    I know exactly how you feel about the weight loss journey being easier when you're on your own; I'm kind of going through the same thing right now. I too have definitely put some weight back on and I think it's because being back home is more restrictive than life at school; not only because of our family members and their lifestyles, but because university offered everything at an arm's reach. I miss having a gym, free of charge (well upfront at least) just around the corner. It's hard to manage a good diet when the Momma or Papa bear with the bank account is buying the groceries. Moving home was supposed to make things easier, right? Well when we're trying to save money, it's not always easy to just slip out to the grocery store and not be assured your special food will not be devoured by someone else.

    Despite the difficulties us other gals know and understand, keep your head up and your goal in mind. You and I have our own buddy system, even though we are 3 hours away, and for that, we're pretty darn awesome! lol. You look fabulous; keep it up!

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  4. Molly, you're one of my best friends too, and you're the reason why I keep going, honestly. I know you support me in everything I do, and I'm so glad I have you as a friend. I'm also glad to know that I'm not the only one struggling with readjusting to home life. I appreciate you more than you know <3

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  5. Tiff this is inspiring...i personally understand what you are going through..i was doing really well and had lost quite a bit of weight when i moved home but i was then injured at work and havent been able to get back to the gym due to the injury and i definitely know that ive gained weight...im truly inspired by your commitment to this and you are simply gorgeous now - but then again i always thought you were to begin with ...and no you and molly arent the only ones going through the readjustment to home life.
    Miss you both!

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    1. Thank you for your encouraging words! I know that a lot of people can relate to this struggle, because of new living conditions, an injury, etc. etc. But, I must ask, who is this? I think it's Kathleen, but I'm not sure! :)

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  6. yup it is lol....

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