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This is a personal rant, and I don't expect most of you to read the entire thing, but I need to get it off my chest, and hopefully provide some kind of inner catharsis. I need motivation and inspiration. Yes, I've lost 75 pounds as I shared here in my 12 Before 2012 goal list. But, since the holidays, and re-adjusting to living at home with my parents, I've lost my vigour for healthy eating and exercising. I came home for the first time in 2 months, and my parents called me skinny. I am by no means skinny, and I never thought in my life that someone would use that adjective to describe me. I can feel my older sister sizing me up with critical eyes. At one point, even accusing me of being anorexic. I am not anorexic. I don't want to be skin and bone, it's not who I want to be, though it's perfectly fine if that is what someone wants to be. I think curves on a woman are the sexiest thing in the world, and I mourn the loss of my boobs from this weight transformation. I just want to be a healthy weight for my height, and I want to be able to maintain the weight I have lost.
The surrealism of this journey continued when I went to church, and one lady whom I consider a grandparent looked at me like a stranger. I walked in and said hello, and she politely said hello back. She did not know who I was AT ALL. This has bothered me more than I care to admit in person to anyone. Am I that different looking that my friends and family no longer recognize me? I know that what I'm doing is for me, and me alone, but I always feel like the centre of attention- like I'm some kind of circus attraction. People keep asking me how I've lost the weight, and honestly, there isn't any secret formula. Just good old fashioned exercise and healthy eating choices. Honestly, I just started making small choices, and kept at it. I can't even pinpoint a day where I "started" losing weight, I just know that I never want to find the weight again. This is who I'm meant to be, whether my family and friends like it or not. There have been numerous family arguments about food, about eating, about exercise, about clothes, about lifestyle choices. I don't know how to gracefully explain to my family that I don't want to eat as much as they do, nor do I know how to avoid looking at them critically when they eat double the portion size they should be. I know it's their choice, but it's hard to limit myself when I'm surrounded by people making bad choices.
After the holidays, I know that I've gained 5 pounds. In fact, I'm sure I've gained a few more than that. I need it to come off. But I know that it won't if I don't exercise, and I keep eating crappy food. I went to the grocery store today and purchased the foods I normally eat to stay healthy. I know that I can eat this good food starting right now. My parents find it so easy to bake a cake, or have chips, and I find myself indulging with them. It's much easier to lose weight and maintain my eating/exercising routine when I'm alone. I don't want to alienate myself from anyone, but sometimes I feel like the only way I can be successful in losing my holiday weight is if I do it on my own, away from the influence of others. Obviously this is impossible, but it would make it a lot easier. And exercising is tough; I feel like it's harder to do with my family watching, or walking by while I'm doing pilates. I need to adjust my exercise to coincide peacefully with my new living arrangements.
In short, I guess this rant is just about the difficulties of my lifestyle change parallel to my new lifestyle choices. It was easier to live here when I was heavier because I did everything they did. It's even been said that our household was "happier" when we didn't worry about food choices or exercise. But you know what? I am happy. I'm happy that I'm the smallest I've ever been. I'm happy that I can shop wherever I want to get clothes. I'm happy that boys look at me now in more than a platonic way. I'm happy that for once, I'm not the fat friend. I feel fantastic, I'm happy. I'm on my way to getting healthy. I know that this is the path that God had planned for me. This is who I'm supposed to be. I guess it's just going to take some getting used to while I live at home. It's going to be hard, but not impossible. And it starts right now.
